I scroll through my notes on my phone and I see all the letters I wrote that will never be sent.
In hindsight I understand that all he was was just that: Exciting.
The one that broke my heart and who made me feel what true heartbreak is. He’s also the one that I kept making excuses for when I shouldn’t have.
I made him up to be this very exciting person, because he knew how to be charming and he had a very infectious smile. He travelled, he was funny and the conversations never ended.
We went on long walks which were accompanied by long talks.
Our time together didn’t last long, and all throughout I kept telling myself: “don’t get attached so you won’t get hurt.” And I kept repeating my little mantra to myself everyday.
Did it work? Of course not.
Mr. Almost Right but not Quite left as quickly as he had entered my life. “I’m not an easy person to be with.” Isn’t that an original excuse.
At least he had the decency to follow that sentence with “Can I call you tomorrow to explain?” and explain he did.
While I was on that call all I kept thinking was, “it’s ok, he’s not your boyfriend. You didn’t get attached so you can’t be hurt.” But hurt is an understatement. I ended that call with a feeling of shock and disbelief and a feeling of pain so strong I felt as if my heart was breaking inside of my chest and I couldn’t keep it together.
I spent the next few weeks in a state of shock and constantly shifting between feeling completely numb to crying out of nowhere. Not my best time I have to admit!
Mr. Almost Right but not Quite was the one that broke me in a way I never had been broken before.
After that all I felt was lost. As if I had no idea of who I was and I felt a complete stranger in my own body.
I was trying to fill the void by creating as many goals as possible in my mind and I was trying to convince myself I could achieve them all immediately. But now, looking back, I realize that I needed a break to grow.
I’m not the same person I was before. I have different goals and a different vision for my future. What I am trying to do now is find a balance between the person I used to be and the one I am becoming. My goals have changed, even my attachment to material things has decreased, but I can’t let this new version of me take over the best parts of the person I used to be.
My heart is still trying to heal itself and it will take a long time, but I am not as anxious and fidgety anymore. I am focusing on myself and working towards my own happiness.
Mr. Almost Right but not Quite is still there. I never did yell at him, send him an angry text or anything like that, because in the end I never felt angry. It’s funny, but I completely skipped the anger stage and jumped from shock to sadness almost immediately.
I wish him all the best and I hope he finds his happiness and he goes back to being that funny person I met that first December night in front of a pub waiting outside in the cold for me.